Longing for God

I find myself these days wanting to experience the presence of God. I have never been inclined to mystical experiences. My religion has been unbalanced toward the intellectual side. My Baptist background, though it called for a personal relationship with Christ, gave more emphasis to reading the Bible and attending church services. Many of these services attempted to reach an emotional climax, but this was designed to lead to a confession of sin, repentance, and a transactional acceptance of Jesus as Savior.

We were always suspicious of secular experiences of spirituality—finding God in nature, poetry, drama, music, --because they did not focus on Christ as the way to God. Very emotional experiences, such as in Pentecostalism, were suspect because they could not be controlled within the confines of our standards of doctrine and behavior. Classical mysticism was closed to us because it was associated with Catholicism. Even Protestantism, as I appreciatively found it revised by Karl Barth, rejected mysticism in favor of the Word.

As I grew older and learned more, I realized that my piety and my theology were too limited. As I reached my eighties and now face prostate cancer, I have begun to seek something I had been missing. I have long anchored my faith in trusting God. There is much we—and I—do not know. I don’t know how I will face suffering as health declines. I do not know very specifically what will happen when I die, or what lies beyond death except in general terms based on symbolic language in the Bible. But I can accept the unknown because I really do trust God. I know that the ultimate power over all things is the loving father revealed in Christ.

What I want at this point is to know God and to experience God in a personal way. This is the desire expressed by the psalmist:

As a deer longs for flowing streams, so my soul longs for you, O God.

My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When shall I come and behold the face of God? (Psalm 42:1-2, NRSV)

--To be continued in a future post

42 and the Meaning of Life

William Thomas and his friend Walter Earl were twelve and fourteen years old in 1887. They lived in Trappe Springs (now Garner), Texas, about forty-five miles west of Fort Worth. One day their Baptist parents caught them playing cards, which was strictly forbidden. They then turned to dominoes, which were allowed, but thought to be boring. They created a new game in which the spotted tiles made up suits and yielded a point total of 42. The game called 42 caught on and became a popular Texas pastime taken very seriously by adults. (Dennis Roberson, Winning 42, p. xii).

Many 42 players are as devoted to their game as people who play Bridge, often playing every week. My wife’s 102-year-old aunt has played all her life and still plays twice a week in the nursing home. During an extended stay in Texas last year I was reintroduced to the game. I could see why it is so popular.

Recently I happened on an article about the Internet in the New Yorker magazine (Jill Lepore, “The Cobweb,” New Yorker, January 26, 2015, p. 40). It contained an odd fact that caught my attention. In the 1979 humorous science fiction novel, “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy,” a hyper-intelligent race of beings built a computer to calculate “the meaning of life, the universe, and everything.” After millions of years the machine came up with the answer, “42.” Clearly those Texas boys were on to something back in 1887.

A Tale of Two Churches

            On Sunday, August 4, I worshipped at Immanuel Baptist Church, Nashville, Tennessee, where I served as pastor for 30 years. This is an old church that is home to an educated congregation of academic, business, and professional people. Most worshippers dress in their Sunday best, including suits and ties, but some come in good casual clothes. I felt very much at home in the beautiful sanctuary with large windows on each side looking out on the green landscape of the upscale neighborhood of Belle Meade, hearing the wonderful Moller pipe organ played by Dr. Richard Shadinger, and listening to the 30 voice choir in their formal robes, led by Dr. Jerry Warren. As always, I admired the floral arrangements by Charles Businaro, a skilled and experienced decorator. The service was led by Pastor Steven Meriwether and Associate Pastor Tambi Swiney, both dressed in their black pulpit robes with gold stoles. Tambi delivered the sermon, telling about a group from the church who had just returned from a mission trip to Hatii. We sang hymns from our new Celebration Hymnals. We took communion together at the end, coming to the front to receive the bread and the cup. It was a true experience of worship.

            The next Sunday I was back at the First Baptist Church, Lorena, Texas, where I served as interim pastor for eight months. This is a small town twelve miles south of Waco, just beside I-35, where more than 100,000 cars and trucks pass by every day. It is also an old church, even older than Immanuel. It serves a small but growing community of good hard-working country people, a few educators and professional people, and a number of commuters who work in Waco. It is a lot closer to what most Baptist churches in the South and Southwest are like. The worship is what is called blended, that is, it combines a choir, familiar hymns, contemporary songs, a band with drums and guitars, a screen for projecting the words to the songs, a warm and friendly atmosphere, and frequent applause. A few worshippers and choir members raise their hands in praise as we sing and pray. No organ, no choir robes. Also, no suits and ties, except for the preacher, the music leader, and the pianist. This, too, is a true experience of worship. (For the record, neither church’s worship service is bringing in the crowds.)

            Immanuel Baptist, being a more academically oriented congregation, has a lot of members who ask questions and think outside the box. They are very much in the orthodox Christian tradition, but they could not pass a strict doctrinal test. They treasure the Bible and believe it, but they recognize that it needs interpretation and that some of its features are conditioned by historical and social circumstances that are not essential to the faith and cannot be directly applied today without some theological analysis. They support new seminaries that train ministers to think critically and interpret theologically. They ordain women as ministers and deacons and give them positions of leadership in the church.

            Folks at Lorena are more traditional, like most Texas Baptists. I started my ministry preaching to the dairy farmers in Jack County, Texas, and I was trained at a Texas Baptist college and a Southern Baptist seminary in Texas. I remember talking with a man at an associational meeting in Jacksboro one night in 1962. When I told him I was a seminary student, he said, “Well, the seminary ruins preachers.”

I understand what he meant. To let go of the literal interpretations and the simple, dogmatic answers opens us up to some dangers and struggles—some would say a slippery slope that will destroy us. Education can cut us off from ordinary people, who are most of the people. But some of us find that we have a stronger faith if we face the doubts and questions and come out on the other side. We also find that today’s complex world cannot be engaged with simple, dogmatic answers. A young person who has been taught not to trust science will have a hard time dealing with college, and a harder time living in our scientific age.

            Well, then, what have I been doing in a traditional Southern Baptist Church? The answer is that God has led me into intentional interim ministry in my retirement years. I came to the church as an outside consultant to guide them through an established process of self-study and planning in order to be ready to call a new pastor. I was not there to change their theology or their worship, although I did preach to them the Bible and basic Christian doctrine, and I worshipped with them gladly.

Moreover, they have ministered to me. I have found these people to be genuine, committed Christians who are as close or closer to God than I am. They study and know the Scriptures. Their Bible knowledge is impressive. They witness to the Gospel and help people come to faith in Christ. They believe in prayer, and they do more of it than a lot of Christians I know. Their worship is lively and fervent, and I am impressed at how well they join in congregational singing (unlike some contemporary churches I have visited, where the people just stand there and watch the praise team sing). Many of them practice tithing—a helpful by-product of taking the Bible literally. Also, though they may not put as much emphasis on education as my Nashville friends, they are just as smart. I have learned this year that truck drivers, carpenters, auto mechanics, and electricians are usually very intelligent. A lot of people who never went to college could easily have done so if they had chosen to or been able to when they left high school. They are also hard working and dedicated. The lay members of this church do the work, lots of it, and do it gladly. They don’t tell you “No,” like many over-committed upper-middle-class people do. They are also fun to be with. I have enjoyed lots of potluck meals and domino games. I have found the people of Lorena to be true friends, and I have come to love them a lot.

Serving the same church for thirty years can make you think the whole world is like that, but it’s not. Being in three different churches the past eight years has been a learning and growing experience for me. God wants, and the world needs, lots of different kinds of churches.

A Change of Plans

Peggy and I came to Waco, Texas, the first of January this year so I could serve as intentional interim pastor of the First Baptist Church of Lorena, a small town about twelve miles south of Waco on Interstate 35. This was my second interim position in Texas. I signed up for interim work there because our daughter and her family live in Waco, and Peggy has a lot of relatives in the state. We rented a small apartment in Waco and looked forward to spending a year or more with the people at Lorena. We planned to make short trips to Nashville every six weeks.

On the first trip back I went for my annual physical and found that my PSA (prostate specific antigen) had risen significantly, a possible indication of prostate cancer. It took several more trips to get more tests and a diagnosis. In May I went to my urologist for a biopsy and was told that I have a very aggressive type of cancer. Another visit in June led to a treatment plan and shot to suppress the hormones that feed this kind of cancer. There was no sign of metastasis in the bone scan or the CT scan but there is the possibility of some microscopic local spreading. This meant that surgery is not indicated, and the best approach is hormone therapy and external beam radiation. I began hormone therapy on June 6.

On July 29 I met with my radiation oncologist and began preparations for treatment to commence in late August and continue for nine weeks. This kind of treatment is not too hard on the patient, and I will be able to be active and feel reasonably well during the process. I currently have no pain or other symptoms and can function normally. I expect the treatment to be successful.

I am glad to live in a time when people are more open about cancer, but I still find that many do not know how to relate to the cancer patient. Cancer is still a scary word and a scary reality. There are many kinds and degrees of cancer. For some people it is a terminal illness. For many others it can be cured only by means of debilitating and painful treatment. Mine is not in those categories, so I don’t want people to be worried about me. On the other hand, it is potentially dangerous, so I do appreciate people being concerned and offering their prayers.

I will conclude my service at Lorena on August 17 and move back to Nashville. I greatly regret not finishing the work there, but they have found another experienced intentional interim minister in the area who can step in and pick up where I left off. The people in the church are very loving and supportive and we have enjoyed very much being with them. We are grateful that we will always have friends in Lorena. We have other friends and relatives in Texas whom we had hoped to visit during our stay and several side trips we wanted to take, but those will have to wait a while.

Pilgrim's Progress, 22nd edition, 1728

This is a post I put on Facebook last year and want to have on this blog.

Pilgrim's Progress, 22nd edition, 1728

May 4, 2012

For some thirty years I have been collecting interesting editions of John Bunyan's The Pilgrim's Progress. I have about 75 copies. For the past six years I have been seeking the 22nd edition, published in 1728. Finally my bookseller, Robert Kirkman of Bedfordshire, UK, obtained a copy and offered it to me. I jumped at it and it arrived today. It will be the capstone of my collection, since any earlier edition would be exceedingly rare and expensive. This one was not cheap, but I justified the purchase as an investment that can only increase in value. Also, this edition was the first to be published as a fine book in larger format than the early editions. Bunyan died in 1688, so this copy was printed just 40 years after his death. Here is Mr. Kirkman's description of the book.

Title: The Pilgrim's Progress, From This World to that Which is to Come,
Delivered under the Similitude of a Dream, Wherein is discover'd The Manner
of his Setting Out, His Dangerous Journey, and Safe Arrival at the Desired
Country, In Two Parts, Complete, The Two and Twentieth Edition, adorned with
Twenty-Two Copper Plates, engraved by J. Sturt, London, 1728; The Pilgrim's
Progress From This World to that which is to Come, Part 11, Delivered under
the Similitude of a Dream, Wherein is set forth, The Manner of the Setting
out of Christian's Wife and Children, their Dangerous Journey, and Safe
Arrival at the Desired Country, London, Printed for John Clarke, at the
Golden Ball in Duck Lane, 1727
Author: BUNYAN (John), .
Publisher: Printed for J. Clarke at the Golden Ball in Duck-Lane and J.
Brotherton at the Bible next the Fleece-Tavern in Cornhill - 1727

Description: FIRST COMPLETE EDITION containing two parts, also First John
Sturt Illustrated Edition, with both printed title pages of which the first
is printed within two line border, with copper engraved portrait
frontispiece and 21 copper engraved plates, all plates proofs before letters
except frontispiece and plate at page 45, 8vo. (pp. 213 + 196), with 2-page
publisher's advertisements at end, eighteenth century full brown calf, two
line gilt borders on sides, re-spined, red and green leather
lettering-pieces, date in gilt at foot of spine, endpapers renewed with
antique paper, signature of Dinah Chambers in an early handwriting on blank
verso of frontispiece. The first complete edition containing the two parts,
printed only 40 years after Bunyan's death and 100 years after his birth.
This edition was a landmark celebrating the centenary of Bunyan's birth.
Publishing for the first time two parts in one volume where previously the
parts were printed separately. This was the first well produced edition of
Bunyan's Pilgrim's Progress illustrated with fine copper engraved plates by
John Sturt produced for the castle rather than the cottage. Earlier editions
were cheaply printed in 12mo size with crude woodcuts. John Sturt, 1658 -
1730, engraver was apprenticed to Robert White who is known for his portrait
of Bunyan now in the British Museum. The British Library General Catalogue
of Printed Books lists this edition as the First Complete Edition containing
the two parts. Following those editions printed during Bunyan's lifetime
this must be the next most desirable of all the early editions. RARE.Worn
copy but complete, sides a little worn but binding re-spined and now sound,
frontispiece browned and repaired on blank recto of frontispiece, one plate
repaired without loss of engraved surface and accompanying leaf of text
repaired without loss, six other leaves with smaller repairs without loss,
corner of leaf of publisher's advertisements at end repaired, blank corner
of a couple of leaves creased, contents of the first part grubby which
diminishes in the second part. All the copper engraved plates in this copy
are proofs before letters except the frontispiece and plate at page 45 which
may have been supplied from another copy nevertheless copies are rare in any
condition.

Review of Will Campbell: Radical Prophet of the South

Just finished reading Will Campbell: Radical Prophet of the South, by Merrill M. Hawkins, Jr. This is Hawkin's PhD dissertation, written for Baylor University, and published 1997 by Mercer University Press.It is part biography and part historical and theological exposition. It has the academic style and flavor, but also the thorough documentation and critical analysis of its genre.

It was very helpful to me in the aftermath of Campbell's death to have an overview of his life and writings. I had read his books over the years but never put them all together in a coherent story. I had also, like many people, admired Campbell while being puzzled by him. Many of us Baptists ministers sat at his feet in rapt fascination while he criticized our churches and our schools, in fact the whole culture in which we are wrapped up. Few had the courage to do as he did and stand as a prophet and an activist against it all.

Hawkins helps make sense of it all and offer some analysis of Campbell's limitations as well as his greatness. The book is especially helpful for giving Campbell's unique perspective on race relations in the South, an approach that reaches out to poor whites as well as African Americans. I have a criticism to offer about the editing, or the lack of it. There are numerous errors of composition and printing that prove to be more and more distracting as you read through it. They must have been having a bad year at Mercer Press back then.

Retirement

“What are you doing now that you are retired?”

People ask me that all the time. I suppose most who are not yet retired have genuine questions about what retirement is like. Those who think of me as a pastor and preacher are probably trying to re-conceive me now that I do not have those roles to define me. Those who think of retirement as constant golfing or fishing know that that’s not what I do. And most of us task-oriented Americans find it hard to identify ourselves apart from our work. That makes retirement difficult for many people to accept, for themselves or for others.

I address the pastor-preacher role by pointing out that I have served two churches as interim pastor since retiring, and I am open to doing more of that. I have even taken special training as an intentional interim minister with the Center for Congregational Health. I occasionally have opportunity to fill in for someone in the pulpit, but the supply of preachers in Nashville far exceeds the demand.

The question about recreation and pastimes I answer by noting that I go to the Y for exercise five days a week and have done some traveling including three cruises and two Road Scholar educational trips with my wife. I also love to read and collect books. I even sell some books on the internet as I sort through my library and attend local estate sales.

I also have three grown children and three grandchildren, one of whom comes to our house on a weekly basis. I enjoy having lots more time for family.

As for tasks to keep me busy, I don’t think I will ever get finished organizing and downsizing my substantial library and files from forty years of ministry. I also have a house full of possessions that need to be cared for or thrown away, and a house and yard that always need attention. Like most retirees I have so much to do that I don’t see how I ever had time to work at a job. Part of the problem is that we accumulate too many things and need to simplify. And part of the problem is Parkinson’s Law: The work expands to fill the time available. Another aspect of the problem is that, while there are many things to do, there are few deadlines and priories are not clear. The pressure is off, and it is hard to know which task to take up today and easy to put them off.

I also want to do some writing, at least I always thought I would do that. In fact writing is hard to do. I have written hundreds of sermons through the years, but there is not much market for published sermons unless you are a famous preacher. I have a lot of knowledge and some wisdom, but there are a lot people who have more than I have and know how to express it and get it published. I still may attempt a book, but more likely I will blog and write an occasional article for some publication or website.

The matter of teaching is somewhat similar. Since graduate school I have had a fantasy that someday, maybe when I retired, I would teach in a college or seminary. I was even considered for a seminary teaching position twice and actually could have had one of those jobs, but the timing and circumstances were not right. I think I have a lot I could teach young candidates for the ministry. But here again, there are a lot of people who can do it better, and today’s students require a lot more to gain and keep their attention that we did years ago.

All in all, I am very happy in retirement. I have never needed a lot of people around to make me happy. I enjoy time alone and with my family. I don’t feel the need to prove myself by turning out accomplishments at this stage. I love to read and have a sizable personal library, a great public library, and a couple of university libraries within a few miles. I am blessed with good health, though I do have more doctors and pills as the years go by. As a healthy seventy-five-year-old I can expect to live quite a few more years.  I am in pretty good shape financially. As a minister with a teacher spouse, we never made much money, but we watched our pennies, saved, and invested, so we do not have to worry about that.

On the other hand, I have realized of late that I am in a new phase of retirement after six years. I am finally feeling the weight of it. I have had time to think about it and to see the downside. I do feel some frustration over not accomplishing much that is meaningful to others. I have had a hard time being a church member after being a pastor all my adult life. I chose to continue as a member of the church I served as pastor. Many experts on church and ministry consider that a mistake, and I am now considering the likelihood that they may be right. I am not currently doing much to help anyone.

I am also feeling the challenge of being a growing Christian in the later stages of life. I believe aging can be a spiritual journey, but it is not an easy one. Erik Erikson describes the task of the final stage of life as developing integrity versus despair, to look back on your life with a feeling of contentment, to say, It is OK to have been me. I think I am on track with that, but I am not finished. For the person of faith the task is to trust God more than ever and rest gratefully in God’s love while still sharing it with others.